Standing in Their Shoes

Most of life is about perceptions rather than ‘reality.’ After all, what is reality? If there was a circle of 360 people and in the middle a husband and wife were having a heated argument each person would literally have a different point of view, which would create a slightly different version of the events in retelling – 360 to be precise. It can be said that reality is just the pure facts without emotion or judgment so in this case, reality would be that there was a man and a woman and voices were raised. Comments regarding who was right, who was the meanest, who was most angry are not based in reality, they are subjective evaluations and depend on our own filters, experiences and projections – they constitute our ‘story.’

It helps to remember this when we are in conflict with someone. So often we get entrenched in our own position, determined to be ‘right’ and make the other ‘wrong.’ You’ve probably heard the saying, “You can be right, or you can be happy,” which do you choose? Being right is the domain of the ego; it’s about feeling superior and justified. Being happy is the domain of the heart, the part of us that accepts difference and forgives. Empathy plays such a huge role in our ability to let go of a polarized position.

What is empathy? It is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within the other person’s frame of reference. In essence, it is the capacity to stand in another’s shoes and view things from their perspective. It requires suspending our own point of view and being willing to look at the situation though their eyes. Empathy doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to agree with the person’s assessment of a situation, but it does mean that you are able to validate their feelings given their point of view.

Empathy is a core piece of Marshall Rosenberg’s theory of Nonviolent Communication. If we are able to put ourselves in the other’s shoes, we can often diffuse a potentially volatile exchange. For example, when a family member wrote an angry email to me accusing me of a number of things I was shocked and hurt and did not know how to respond, particularly as none of it was true. Rather than respond with anger at the perceived insult, I thought long and hard about my reply. When I looked at the situation from where he was standing, I could see how he might have perceived things differently from the way they actually were and had that been the case I could see how it would make him angry, I would have felt the same. This insight was so helpful to me and saved us from being embroiled in a prolonged exchange of angry emails.