Conflict is Growth Trying to Happen!

Most of us are told that conflict is bad and we should try and avoid it. However, conflict in itself is neutral, it’s how we handle our differences when confronted with conflict that can cause the discomfort and emotional pain that we experience. As they say, it’s not what we are resisting that causes suffering, it’s the resistance itself.

Four years ago, when I started assisting my dear friend and colleague Kathleen Maiman, an Imago Relationship Therapist at her intensive weekend Couple’s Retreats, I was introduced to a wonderful saying that has stuck with me ever since: “Conflict is growth trying to happen.” When she announces this to the groups of couples, the relief is palpable! Since conflict in relationships is almost inevitable from time to time, it is so good to learn that it too has a purpose. It is only our dualistic ego which judges things as good or bad, right or wrong – in the world of unity consciousness everything is there for a reason.

What fuels conflict is reaction. When we react, we place ourselves as a victim and we blame the other person for our experience. From this place of perceived loss of power, our tendency is to fight until we regain a sense of that power. In order to end the conflict or not engage in it in the first place, we need to understand our reactions and here’s the key: behind every reaction is an unmet need.

Our reactions are always based in our childhood past. They are triggers back to a place of hurt, fear or anger because our needs were not met at that time. Even though these memories have been long buried in our unconscious mind, when we experience a similar feeling in the present, we are triggered back to the original situation and act out accordingly. This is why our emotional reactions can seem so childish, it‘s because they are!

As children, we were not necessarily able to voice or take care of our needs, but as adults we are. When we are able to use our emotions to identify and meet our needs (instead of expecting someone else to), we have learned one of the most fundamental and yet significantly powerful skills of Emotional Intelligence.