Shadow Secrets

We all have a dark aspect to our psyche that most of us would like to ignore or deny, but it exists nonetheless, and for many it is unconscious. This part of our minds is called the ‘shadow,’ a term first coined by the famous psychiatrist Carl Jung in the early 1900s. Whatever we deem inferior or unacceptable and deny in ourselves becomes part of the shadow. Our shadow expresses itself when we project it onto another by judging them from a place of superiority and righteousness. “He is so needy.” “They really are selfish.” “She’s such a mean person.” Comments like these imply that the person saying them is above doing such things and is judging the other as ‘bad’ or ‘wrong.’

However, by virtue of the fact that a person is in judgment, it actually means that their shadow aspect is in play; they too embody these traits, but are unwilling to acknowledge or accept that they do. We may not express these behaviours in exactly the same way as the person we are judging, but at some level we are expressing them either in relationship with ourselves or someone else. This is hard for some to accept because if we do, we have to admit that we are just as ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ and who wants to feel that?! Whether we acknowledge it or not is our choice, but the path to growth is to look within to discover what it is we are projecting. Doing so can be excruciatingly humiliating, but when we do own our judgments we can significantly improve how we feel, our relationships and therefore improve our quality of life.

The first time I came across this concept was almost 20 years ago when I did my first Emotional Intelligence workshop. At the time I was still blaming the demise of my marriage on my ex. For over a year I had been stuck on the judging thought, “he’s so insensitive and selfish; he didn’t care about my feelings.” While the facilitator was going deeper into the mechanics of the shadow, I felt a rush of energy suddenly surge through my body and I burst into sobbing tears. A light bulb had gone off and I saw the projection. I had been so wrapped up in wanting my feelings to be acknowledged and validated that I hadn’t taken the time to do the same for him, to see that his overt anger was because he was sad and hurting. I just blamed him for being mean and angry and hurting me because of it. After the tears had subsided, I told the whole class about my revelation which was enormously liberating. In that moment I let go of my judgement and I felt incredible empathy for my ex. I could finally let go of blame.